my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
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Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”