my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
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I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Coffee is ready.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
A game married people play.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?