Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one