My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
