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HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
NASA has no chill
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.
Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.