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What Bob, you’re interrupting.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.