My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
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Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?