Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.