Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

These aren’t even hard anymore.

i love modern commerce

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages