My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

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I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.


Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.


In Batman Begins, the scene when Bruce Wayne throws the gun into the river, if you listen you can hear someone say “you throw like a girl”.


I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.


My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.


me: I can’t sleep

her: count some sheep

me [1647 sheep later]: this is bullshit


My daughter asked me what marriage is like, so I threw out all her Ken dolls, except for the bald drunk one.


this is anya, she’s better at jenga than i could ever hope to be
(anyathegsd IG)


Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.


I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.