My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
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Comparing yourself to others
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.