My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
You Might Also Like
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
What
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.