My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
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[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind