My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
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legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
This is not me but this is me
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
#NeverForget
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.