My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
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What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.