My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
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My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I’m a bad influence on myself.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Guilty! 🤪
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.