My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
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Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
How do you milk an almond?
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
All your better biblical epics have one thing in common: no skimping on the camel budget.
I hate when that happens.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion