my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
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No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too