Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”

Please vote for people who are attractive

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast