my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
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If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed