My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
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i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
me doing my best
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.