My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
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Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
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I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho