My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
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Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.