Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

I swear some people should be banned from cooking

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this