My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
You Might Also Like
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
The pen is writier than the sword.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers