My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
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The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
NOT all policemen are strippers.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Okay this one takes it home
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap