my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
You Might Also Like
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
sugar glider wrangler
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open