my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
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I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Put the is in disheveled
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today