Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

rapatouille

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

one week till the election

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”