My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
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Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.