My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
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What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
This was my dad’s browser history.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
