My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
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As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
This why you should mind your business
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you