Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

i will avenge u mr van gogh

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.