My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
first you must answer his riddles
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot