Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

My life coach traded me.

Nobody:

Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”