My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

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One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!


My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.


Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.


“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire


My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.


never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes


I don’t like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses.


[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito


“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”


My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.