My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
You Might Also Like
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Mouse
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom