@juneohara65

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

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@Douchekevin

Ever fill a garbage bag, put your foot on it and stomped the hell out of it so it held 9 times what it’s supposed to?

Yoga pants explained.

@ConanOBrien

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

@internetluke

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

@TheIronSherk

*turns on deep-fryer*

*tosses in chicken nuggets*

*adds chamomile and lavender*

*recites from the Book of Shadows*

Voila, Wiccan Nuggets

@djdarrellripley

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

@CrockettForReal

I establish dominance over my kids by sprinkling LEGO around their beds while they’re sleeping

@AbbieEvansXO

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse