Ever fill a garbage bag, put your foot on it and stomped the hell out of it so it held 9 times what it’s supposed to?
Yoga pants explained.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
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Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
*turns on deep-fryer*
*tosses in chicken nuggets*
*adds chamomile and lavender*
*recites from the Book of Shadows*
Voila, Wiccan Nuggets
hulk hogan: can i get a taco brother
scientist: that’s not possible
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
God: you’re a dove.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I establish dominance over my kids by sprinkling LEGO around their beds while they’re sleeping
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse