My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
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IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
neighborhood watch
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them