Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Death certificates are our last participation award.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.