My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
You Might Also Like
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Great acting.. 😂
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
what’s the point then??
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch