My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
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I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”