My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
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If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My whole life was a lie.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”