My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
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Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
The best plant holders?
blocked.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.