My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
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I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it