My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
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Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Never forget.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card