My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
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Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
This meal prepping shit is easy
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit