@That_Damn_Duck

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

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@onlxn

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

@JaimeBanister

At what age is it acceptable to completely let yourself go physically? Please say 44

@Schmoodles

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

@murrman5

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

@stargazer15_

I’m the kind of girl that will suck helium from a balloon and talk dirty to you in a Minnie Mouse voice.

Really dirty.

@yerpalmildsauce

How did you get those horrible burns?
*flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster*
I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.

@Brampersandon_

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

@KentWGraham

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

@WyLdAnIcA

When you text a guy “my shirt smells like you” be sure you spell shirt correctly.

@Fred_Delicious

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]