My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
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A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
That stupid look on my face, is my face
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.