my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
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One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.