Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”