my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
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Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.