my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
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me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired