My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
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Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
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(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Nose
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Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.