My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
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[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I occasionally drink every single night.
O Wise One….
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
They also CAN sing✌️
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time