Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

very niche meme I made

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this