My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
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Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying