Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

TODAY

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex