My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
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Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.