My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
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he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.