Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

Don’t snitch tag.

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.