My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
You Might Also Like
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
That’s fair
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?