my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
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“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Great Canadian literature.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO