@barfolishus

My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more

My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more

- @barfolishus

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@sixfootcandy

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

@rolldiggity

New Parent Idea:
1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he’s 10.

@PyrBliss

Just thought about sex for the 100th time today, and let me tell you, it’s definitely NOT the thought that counts.

@SwedishCanary

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

@TweetPotato314

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

@truegritrumble

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

@fro_vo

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

@MsSkaarsgard

Welcome to 40. You keep a pair of tweezers in the car now because goddamn that visor mirror is good.

@Cpin42

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises