My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more

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I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano


6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?


I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.


My shower has two settings:
-Freezing Cold
-The Ending of Terminator 2


This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.


Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]


When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.