My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
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Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
How do you milk an almond?
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”