Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women