Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

sigh

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?

me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it