My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

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Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it


I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.


It makes me sad that the closest I’ll ever get to ‘hulking out’ is splitting my trousers when I bend over.


Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.


Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.




Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.


when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.


[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah


I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.