My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
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Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir