@Manda_like_wine

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

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@Megatronic13

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

@JimmerThatisAll

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

@PhoenixRises69

It makes me sad that the closest I’ll ever get to ‘hulking out’ is splitting my trousers when I bend over.

@ShawnGarrett

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

@BoomBoomBetty

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

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@torrami

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

@SketchesbyBoze

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

@AndyAsAdjective

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

@BoomBoomBetty

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.