My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
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Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*