My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
You Might Also Like
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏